We interrupt this programme to bring you breaking news from London’s Natural History Museum. Reports are flooding in that four of the Museum’s inmates have broken out of their jars and are causing havoc throughout the building.
Anyone spotting the Stitched Sealife Escapees should keep to a safe distance and alert the authorities. I repeat, do not attempt to take them down yourself!
Suspect one: The Slender Snipe Eel (Nemichthys scolopaceus)
The unwavering cheerfulness of the slippery Slender Snipe Eel, sometimes known as the ‘Deep Sea Duck’, can lead to severe hysteria.
Happy happy happy happyhappyhappy HAPPY!
Slipping along the seabed at depths of up to 2000 metres little is known about this slightly sinister shiny-eyed slip of an eel who can be 75 times longer than he’s wide. Slender indeed.
Whale carcass! I love! Can I play? Can I? CAN I?
Finding him floating in the deep sea darkness with his smileful of tiny sharp teeth may put investigators off pursuing enquires.
He is rumoured hitch to rides on larger fish by sidling up and clamping his tiny teeth into their tails.
What’s that on your shoulder?! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
I come home with you now, human?
BREAKING NEWS: SUSPECT CAPTURED
The sealed in Slender Snipe Eel
Suspect Two: The Stitched Squid (Squidius Knittius)
The infamous Stitched Squid has yet to be explained by oceanographic scientists, as to this date not one specimen has been caught alive.
You'll never take me alive, see?
Impressing his deep sea companions with his ability to survive at any depth (including above sea level) the Stitched Squid is a little bit of a legend. In the underwater hierarchy they’ve been known to rub shoulders with some of the sea’s godfather figures and hang out at only the chicest sea parties.
Though some doubters have said that Stitched Squid don’t exist at all.
This here is my baleen bodyguard. Say hello, Bluey.
One look into the glassy peepers of this miniscule marine cephalopod confirmed one thing. Stitched Squid do exist somewhere out there in the briny blue.
We just need to find them.
Come any closer and you'll sleep with the fishes. Capiche?
The Stitched Squid is one of the fiercest finger wrestlers known to man and tales of his strength are often to be heard told by melancholy one-armed sailors drowning their sorrows in dockside drinking establishments. Do not enter into combat with him. You will lose.
BREAKING NEWS: SUSPECT CAPTURED
A sorry Stitched Squid
Suspect Three: The Viper Fish (Chauliodus sloani)
The fierce but chatty Viper Fish has it all: huge gnashers, a hinged lower jaw and a light show on her appendages to tempt in fish who can’t help following something shiny.
I feel fishy, oh so fishy...
Check out these chompers, baby.
Sashaying through the shadows and the shallows anywhere from 400-2800 metres you can pretty much expect her and her teeth to turn up anywhere. In this case she turned up, rather scandalously, in the lap of a Mr Charles Robert Darwin.
So, you're Mr D? I hear this you're kind of a big deal around these parts.
She’ll try to impress you with tales of how she can bend her teeth behind her head and how she can swim two body lengths per second. Show off.
It is not advisable to allow this fishy femme fatale to talk you into anything. Beware her good looks and pearly whites. She’ll break your heart and probably steal your wallet.
Fancy a bite to eat, toots? I know a nice plaice...
BREAKING NEWS: SUSPECT CAPTURED
The very shamefaced Viper Fish
But all that fishy glamour is a mere ruse to lure in the unsuspecting. Once you’re feeling all friendly like they send in Mr Big.
Suspect Four: Plarchie, the Giant Stitched Squid (Squidius Knittius Plasticus Giganticus)
The don of the watery underworld himself and the group’s ringleader, Plarchie has been profiled as one of the slipperiest customers of the deep sea.
What you lookin' at, buddy?
How many vessels this Giant Stitched Squid has taken down is impossible to calculate.
Breaking news reports that the collosal cephalopod may have taken a hostage. His demands at this time are unclear. The advice being given is to remain calm and make no sudden moves. Experts say that eventually the squid will move on.
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here.
Back off! I want a clean passport and safe passage to Heathrow.
Eventually.
BREAKING NEWS: SUSPECT STILL AT LARGE. LAST SEEN HEADING FOR THE AIRPORT.
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The Stitch Sealife Escapees were yarnstormed at London’s Natural History Museum on August 12 2010 by Deadly Knitshade and The Fastener. The pieces were part of Stitch London’s Stitched Sealife Six project, along with knits by other sneaky stitchers
For more on this yarnstorm see:
Stitch London’s Stitched Sealife Six
The Fastener’s Viper Escapee
Deadly Knitshade’s
Shiny Happy Slender Snipe Eel
The Stitching of Squidius Knittius
Plarchie the Giant Knitted Squid
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good this viper fishy is back in her jar, i dont trust her…maybe she could crochet a nice airy fishnet with her teeth crooked as they are.
will you teach her?
I’m not teaching her anything. She might bite me!